the findomme conundrum

 

Consider three scenarios:

  1. a man spends two days a month doing a Woman’s gardening, and fixing things around Her house. Both of them are single. he is not paid for his work. The Woman behaves as if this is Her due. The man does it because he loves the feeling of Female power.
  2. the same man has an office job. Instead of Scenario 1, he selects two days a month where he deems that he is working for the Woman, rather than for himself. he pays Her the wages he earns on these two days. he sits at his desk, enjoying the feeling that, right now, he is a kind of slave. he does it because he loves the feeling of Female power.
  3. the same man, the same Woman. They met online. She humiliates him. he pays Her, regularly, a sizeable amount of money (say, equivalent to two days’ earnings). Sometimes this is through him buying Her gifts. The man does it because he loves the feeling of Female power.

In one sense, these scenarios are directly comparable, because in all three cases the man is transferring to the Woman two days’ worth of his labour, gratis, for reasons of gender. So why are most of us more comfortable with (1) than (2), and with (2) than with (3)?

(3) is of course the classic ‘findom’ scenario. It makes some people uncomfortable because (i think) they sense that someone here is unfairly being taken advantage of. And it is apparently true that some men have been financially ruined in this way. But can we identify precisely what we feel is wrong with that? My own novels for example, which are utopian in tone (and i’ve not been contacted by anyone who thinks them dystopian, although you are a self-selecting bunch), also involve men having no financial power or resources. Doesn’t findom represent a very pure form of Gynarchy?

i don’t know anyone who would answer ‘yes’ to that (now is your chance – comment below). Is is because at the back of Our minds we suspect that the Women in the findom case may be undeserving, however unfair that presumption may in fact be? Is it because we can all think of admirable Women who don’t spend their time bleeding dry men they barely know? Is it because we suspect the Findomme’s motives are materialistic and selfish, rather than because She genuinely relishes the power of Her Femininity, as we have decided a Domme ought to?

It all begins to sound a bit like topping-from-the-bottom.

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7 thoughts on “the findomme conundrum

  1. I don’t think there’s any substantial difference at all. I mean, what is a “normal” romantic relationship itself but a power play? The one who has the upper hand might change more often than in a consciously gynarchic relationship, but instances of submission, devotion, sacrifice, humiliation, etc. are all present in various degrees. Findomme is just a more honest, focused form of these same dynamics.

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      1. I think what would make it Gynarchy is the awareness of the beliefs and principles of Gynarchy on the part of both the husband and wife. This awareness as it is lived-out, I feel, is what keeps the power in the hands of the woman. Otherwise, you have the subconsciously shifting dynamics as you do in most modern romantic relationships.

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  2. I think there is a difference between a dominant being there for you and those who are not. Some of those into findom respect income limits. Others do not. I would rather see one who is ethical than not. Though these days, I am not seeing any pros.

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  3. Interesting post. I participate in findomme. In my case, there is no explicit humiliation, and actually almost no direct interaction, other than me spending $.

    One thing that I find a little problematic about findomme (or some forms of it) … is that men spending money on Women has historically been a symptom of *patriarchy*, not female dominance. It’s the male who has the economic power to spend money on a Woman and get something in return, whether it’s explicitly sex or just her time and attention.

    Then, to “earn” the money, the Woman has to conform her behavior in order to please the man who is spending.

    I see a similar dynamic in a lot of the findomme scene. I don’t want to disparage the Women who participate, there’s nothing wrong with it, as long as it’s done ethically.

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